warmer, warmer, ..., DISCO!

Surviving is not the same as taking care of myself.
Taking care of myself is not selfish.
Selfishness and determination have ruined many of my relationships.
Ruined relationships are not mistakes.
A mistake is something that is incorrect, like missing a question on a math test.
What I’ve done in the past was neither incorrect nor correct.
What I’ve done in the past is who I am.
Being content with who I am is finding happiness.

OH MY!

In 1979 the Army was looking for a new High Mobility Multi-Purpose Wheeled Vehicle (HMMWV). AM General competed in the development of a vehicle to meet the standards of the military. The prototype HUMVEE was created. After 50,000 miles of extensive, repetitive testing, it was decided that the HUMVEE was the best vehicle for the job. In 1983 the U.S. Army awarded a $1.2 billion contract to AM General for 55,000 HUMVEES. Production began on a vehicle dubbed the HUMMER M998. In 1992 a civilian model was introduced. It now comes in pink.

Wheels are better than feet

There was a ½ Marathon down Colfax last Sunday.

It took the fasted male 2 hours and 45 minutes to finish. That’s an average of 6 minutes and 19 seconds per mile.

It took the fasted wheelchair male 1 hours and 43 minutes to reach the finish. That’s an average of only 3 minutes and 56 seconds per mile.

According to this data, the average male is evolutionarily challenged by the disabled male, and therefore, the disabled male is not “disabled” in the sense of the word. If we would have evolved into a species with wheels as feet, we would be faster and more efficient. Not to mention, it would kick ass to roll instead of walking everywhere.

I’ve always admired a man with a good set of wheels.

7 out of 10 would agree (+/- 1 person)

I am voting in the next election, not in support of a particular party, but to remove the current. What else can I do?

my crazy witch craft voo-doo school

Day: Monday
Class: Western Medical Referral
Teacher: Divorced, single mother from China
Lesson: Asthma
What I learned in class: People who are lonely have more problems with their lungs, so I should tell patients to talk to theirs pets and to flirt when they go out.





Day: Tuesday
Class: Western Nutrition
Teacher: Overweight Chiropractor
Lesson: Vitamins and Minerals
What I learned in class: 3 out of 5 people in Denver have Hypothyroidism*. Apparently, there is such a high level of Chlorine in the city water that when we take a shower chlorine gas evaporates. As we inhale this toxic gas, the chlorine ions bind to our thyroid gland because we all have a preexisting iodine deficiency, thus causing hypothyroidism.
*Comments: I call bull shit on this one, but my teacher was so passionate about this argument that I wasn’t about to get into a debate. So I sat in the back of the class and shook my head.

Day: Tuesday
Class: Clinical Business
Teacher: Acupuncturist with an MBA
Lesson: Finances
What I learned: I need a separate credit card for my business expenses. It seems that this is common knowledge because I looked like a dumb ass when I asked why? I can assign all the carbons to a benzene ring. I even know what herbs can treat a common cold, but I can’t tell you shit about biz-nas.






Day: Wednesday
Class: Internal Medicine
Teacher: Famous herbalist from China
Lesson: Lung and Large Intestine diseases
What I learned: The graveyards in ancient China had a large circle in the middle that was reserved for infants and small children. The deceased youngsters were not buried there, but simply laid out on the ground. According to legend if a wolf or wild animal ate your dead child it was good luck for you to conceive another.

champion

I should be getting a package in the mail today from my brother. He wants to give me a trophy. I’m sure it will be gold plated with a nice oak stand. On top will be a girl with pig tales and a cute smile kind of like a cheerleader, but not quite as naïve. She’ll be more like a spelling bee champion. It will be engraved—“best sister ever.” I’ll put it on top of my bookcase so when people come over they’ll marvel in its glory. “Oh wow,” they’ll say, “your brother must really appreciate you as a person.” It should come today. I hope he wasn’t being facetious.

two is better than one?

On Thursday I had a patient who is 94 years old. I asked her, “What is your secret?” She told me, “Laughter was the best medicine. Laugh as much as you can.” She’s absolutely right, and I’m pretty sure that’s why I don’t like to be alone. Crying and laughing are equally important means of expressing emotion. But it is uncomfortable to cry in public and crazy to laugh by alone.

grandpa is getting old

New York to Moab (an epic adventure)

About six years ago at the alter of a small chapel in Golden, CO, I accidentally saw my husband-to-be before our wedding ceremony. They say this is bad luck. I never believed in “bad luck,” just coincidence. But that was six years ago, and now I don’t think the bad luck is such a wife’s tale. The chapel was filled with white lilies and red converse high tops, black candles and white doc martins. It was a “punk rock” wedding with a punk rock ending. We swore we’d love each other forever. Our glasses filled with non-alcoholic wine purchased at Safeway only hours earlier, we toasted to a lifetime of happiness.

I don’t blame him or the bad luck or the non-alcoholic wine. Most of the blame still falls upon myself. After I left him, I unconsciously brainwashed myself listening to “Love is Suicide” by the Smashing Pumpkins every night before I went to bed. I was a bitter person.

About a year ago in a New York City Subway station my luck changed. It was a new beginning—a lust for life. I won’t attribute the transformation to a Mr. R. Baca or a Mr. Saucy Cowboy or a Mr. Eugene Hultz. But they certainly were part of my inspiration. With passion and determination on my side I invented such activities as “Sunday Funday,” I started going out on the weekends to seek adventure instead of debauchery. I learned how to snowboard at high speeds. I climbed a 14er and made it to the top. I started running and doing yoga. I rebuilt a bike. I learned how to DJ. I bought a scooter. Go Go GO!!!


A few days ago I went to Moab. When I got back, I got a hair cut. Now I have bangs! Boom.

I used to get really sad around this time of year, but this has been a particularly good year. I’m glad I decided to take a negative and turn it into a positive. Suicide is selfish. Life is good. I wonder what I’ll do this year?

domo ari-gato

An hour and a half and a roll of quarters means my laundry is done—six loads total. Its taken practice, but I’ve got it down to a science. I know exactly which machines wash the fastest and which dryers dry the fastest. The Japanese man who owns the laundry mat knows me as “doctor.” He thinks I’m a doctor because I always wash a load of periwinkle scrubs. Explaining to him is vain.

“I am a student. I only work at a hospital as a tech. I am not a doctor.”

“Oh very nice. You work today?”

“Yes I worked today. I work everyday except Sunday. Just like you.”

“Oh very nice. You a very good doctor.”

Tonight I wasn’t in a hurry. It almost seemed pointless to me to hurry. Why should I hurry? I have nothing else to do tonight except my laundry. What does it matter that I finish in an hour and a half if I am only on my way back to an empty apartment to stare at my pale yellow walls? Maybe I should slow down, take my time and finish that book I’ve been reading for the past six months. Sometimes I read a book just to feel the pages run between my fingers. Justin once asked me what was my favorite sense? I lied to him and told him it was sight. It wasn’t a conscious lie, it was just the first thing that came out of my mouth. No sooner had I said it that I knew I had meant to say touch. The evening was spent touching my book and looking at my laundry spinning and spinning in the dyer. It took me one hour and about 37 minutes. Now I am just staring at my pale yellow walls.