synonyms don't exist

This morning I paid attention in class and learned an important lesson.










This afternoon I put together a bike. I cursed a lot, but I didn't cry. It felt good to work with my hands.













This evening I came home and painted my toenails red and listened to records.

Type A (personality and blood)

On Thursday I’ve got a big test—30 formulas, 120 herbs and their actions (all in Chinese). So for now, I’ve got work to do.

But next weekend, my brother and I are taking my dad skiing at Breckenridge.

And then Elizabeth and her lovely, adorable daughter Soren will be in town. And so will Koji.

I’ve got lots to look forward to and that always makes the hard work seem less hard.


This is a letter from Koji:

it was cool today at work. a manager asked me to do a split shift. i told him that i would not do split. he asked me why. i told him "what am i? a cheap chineese labor?". actually his girlfriend is chinease and he is white. then he gave me an old taco salad. he told me not to have a break but I could have the taco salad. it was not good at all. it was old. he asked me why i did not like it. i sad to him "what do you think i am? Mexican?" it was funny. i should start making all kinds of racial jokes like that. i have to be careful though.

confessional

There is a time in everyman’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and nor but he knows what that is which he can do, nor he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. The eye was places where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved as gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope. -R. W. Emerson

Thank you Didymus!

We both used to hide in trees. For me, it was an old aspen tree in the park across from my house. I used to hide in the branches, among the leaves for hours. I carved my name in the trunk.

I haven’t stopped thinking about what you said. For days now, its been on my mind. You pretty much summarized why I never made it as a Christian. I never understood forgiveness, and I was consumed, to the point of near death, by the grips of guilt. But I’ve decided to come down from the tree.

What is guilt?
1 – feeling shameful for the things I’ve done.
2 – questioning weather my actions are “right” or “wrong” (and leaning towards wrong)
3 – having a sense that I’ve gotten away with something

Positive guilt forces me to assess the consequences of my actions, therefore, avoiding selfishness. Bad guilt destroys my ability to deal with a situation and consumes my motivation to take positive action to improve my circumstances. Bad guilt makes me live in the past.

Statements like this…

Suicide.
I have heard it said many a time that suicide is the most selfish act. How insensitive...
Pardon me for saying so, but what about the possibility of the selfishness of the individuals around such a person that may have been a driving force?
I wish people knew and believed that they have intrinsic value.

...keep me up at night.

I feel guilty when I let people down, so I am constantly deceiving myself (and others) in order to appear better than I really am. I feel guilty for not saying what I mean. I feel guilty for always falling for the ass holes. I feel guilty for lacking self confidence and self worth. I feel guilty because I’m afraid. I’m afraid because the boy I have a crush on might read this and think I’m weird. I’m even more afraid because I should have stopped having crushes about ten years ago. I feel guilty for being afraid of love.

I feel guilty for priding myself with being honest even though honesty is my greatest fear.

Luccy - I often fear that you’ll catch me off guard in a moment where I am vulnerable enough that you can see my soul. I suppose I ought to apologize in advance for the disappointment you’ll feel.

Ceci - i often fear that you will try to keep yourself from being vulnerable to the ones who really love you, and don't want to hurt you.

Lonely is my wound. It oozes with weakness.

Do you know how many people it took to make the T-shirt I am wearing?

This is not a metaphor...

A few months ago I did something similar…

But I can’t just ignore a tag from Anne!

Four (other) jobs that I've had:
1 – pizza cook at southwest pizza company, Monte Vista, CO (age 16)
2 – Secretary for Co-west insurance, Monte Vista, CO (age 16)
3 – Life Skills Trainer at Learning Services, Lakewood, CO (age 18-20)
4 – Barista at Cherry Creek Tattered Cover coffee shop (age 24-25)


Four little-known facts about me:
1 – I’m on the “d” team.
2 – Ambulances/fire trucks and freakishly large dogs scare me.
3 – I’m falling for a boy that has one leg.
4 – I own a 1973 Vespa Primavera 125.







Four city airports I have been to:
1 – Denver
2 – Chicago
3 – New York
4 – Hong Kong




Four favorite male actors:
1 - jake gyllenhaal
2 –
3 –
4 –

Four foods that I hate to love:
1 – Pancakes
2 – Waffles
3 – Sugar cookies (with frosting)
4 – Rice crispie treats

(all enjoyed with a cup of coffee)



Four web sites (not blogs) I visit daily:
1 – myspacec.com
2 – google.com
3 – radio1190.org
4 – stuffonmycat.com

Four things I want to do before I die:
1 – DJ for Needles and Pins
2 – Climb all the 14ers in Colorado
3 – start my own business
4 – Fall in love
(not necessarily in that order)

Four people I'm tagging:
1 – Ceci n'est pas
2 – Almitra
3 – Didymus
4 – Vos Voy ez?

The Life Pursuit (if only it were a Belle and Sebastian song)

You know, my bip boppin’ days are over. I’ve hung my boots up and retired. All I could think to do last night was download the new Belle and Sebastian album.

I’m suppose to go to Lipgloss with Miss Lexxy this evening. I will be glad to see her. I had this funny dream about her and she was wearing funny shoes, and she was dressed like a punk…

Maybe I’ll bump into that cute bar tender and I’ll say to him, “You ain’t ugly, you can kiss me if you like.” And his buddy will say, “Go ahead and kiss her, you don’t know what you’re missing.”

We’ll go out on Saturday and it will be lovely. But he’ll realize I’m not the one, and he’ll say, “I haven’t changed. I pretty much the same person.”

Come Sunday I’ll start feeling sinister. And I’ll be off to see the minister so he can take away (in vian) the pain of being a hopeless unbeliever.

Monday I’ll go back to work and start talking about the weekend in metaphors. “I fought in a war and I left my friends behind me,” I’ll tell my co-workers.

The night will follow day and back again, but I won’t want to sleep. But who can blame me? Its someone else’s turn to take a fall. And now I’ll be the one who’s strong enough to help them.

The Chinese are brainwashing me!

I had a very long conversation with my teacher last Friday about piercings and tattoos. He is convinced that such body modifications will disrupt one's flow of qi.


Today my nose rings came out for the first time in 8 years.

If I don't feel a change in the next couple weeks they're going back in!

The Chinese are very convincing, what can I say?









I don't know what to do about the tattos...

This is not a post about the war

Bush said in his State of the Union address that he would seek to break dependence on Middle East oil via new technologies and jack up funding on energy sources including coal and nuclear power as well as wind and solar power, hydrogen and ethanol.
(full story)

but…

"In terms of renewable fuels, ethanol is the worst solution. It has the highest energy cost with the least benefit," says Berkley professor Tad W. Patzek. His ethanol critique began during a freshman seminar he taught in which he and his students calculated the energy balance of the biofuel. Taking into account the energy required to grow the corn and convert it into ethanol, they determined that burning the biofuel as a gasoline additive actually results in a net energy loss of 65 percent. Later, Patzek says he realized the loss is much more than that even.
(full story)

so…
cost of corn seed = $42.16 per acre
cost of John Deer Tractor = $17,900
cost of fertilizer = $30 per acre
cost of labor to turn corn into ethanol = $5.25 per hour

cost of oil = priceless and counting

I am no expert on biofuels. I am, however, deeply concerned that with our current technological advances that we are still so dependant on oil as an energy source.

A revolution must occur! My new source of transportation with look something like this:














Who's with me? Come on...it'll be fun.