confessional

There is a time in everyman’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and nor but he knows what that is which he can do, nor he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. The eye was places where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved as gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope. -R. W. Emerson

Thank you Didymus!

We both used to hide in trees. For me, it was an old aspen tree in the park across from my house. I used to hide in the branches, among the leaves for hours. I carved my name in the trunk.

I haven’t stopped thinking about what you said. For days now, its been on my mind. You pretty much summarized why I never made it as a Christian. I never understood forgiveness, and I was consumed, to the point of near death, by the grips of guilt. But I’ve decided to come down from the tree.

What is guilt?
1 – feeling shameful for the things I’ve done.
2 – questioning weather my actions are “right” or “wrong” (and leaning towards wrong)
3 – having a sense that I’ve gotten away with something

Positive guilt forces me to assess the consequences of my actions, therefore, avoiding selfishness. Bad guilt destroys my ability to deal with a situation and consumes my motivation to take positive action to improve my circumstances. Bad guilt makes me live in the past.

Statements like this…

Suicide.
I have heard it said many a time that suicide is the most selfish act. How insensitive...
Pardon me for saying so, but what about the possibility of the selfishness of the individuals around such a person that may have been a driving force?
I wish people knew and believed that they have intrinsic value.

...keep me up at night.

I feel guilty when I let people down, so I am constantly deceiving myself (and others) in order to appear better than I really am. I feel guilty for not saying what I mean. I feel guilty for always falling for the ass holes. I feel guilty for lacking self confidence and self worth. I feel guilty because I’m afraid. I’m afraid because the boy I have a crush on might read this and think I’m weird. I’m even more afraid because I should have stopped having crushes about ten years ago. I feel guilty for being afraid of love.

I feel guilty for priding myself with being honest even though honesty is my greatest fear.

Luccy - I often fear that you’ll catch me off guard in a moment where I am vulnerable enough that you can see my soul. I suppose I ought to apologize in advance for the disappointment you’ll feel.

Ceci - i often fear that you will try to keep yourself from being vulnerable to the ones who really love you, and don't want to hurt you.

Lonely is my wound. It oozes with weakness.

Do you know how many people it took to make the T-shirt I am wearing?