the slow and painful path of self destruction

today I had a dougnut for breakfast, some potato chips for a snack, some cheesey nasty hospital food for lunch, and for dinner I am consuming coffee, cigarettes and a sugar cookie.

today I found out that half of the classes I wanted to take this summer are cancelled, my checking acount is magically back to mere dollars and cents while my republican, capitalist brother is moving back to florida to become a millionare.

today I realized that my actions are not comparable to the butterfly flapping its wings. Thats just not how the world works.

today, dispite the self destructive binge, I am content that my actions have lead me down this road, and if I keep trying to fight it, I am only fooling myself.

I was listening to Brighteyes, and I kept thinking to myself..."is this guy really going to start crying? because it sounds like he is?" I wanted to reach through my speaker and grab him by the shoulders and say "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER...take a minute, get a glass of water, and finish playing...FUCK!"

Emotions are our thoughts. If we only feel sad we miss out on things like happiness, anger, grief, and worry. To live means to feel all these emotions evenly not letting only one single thought comsume us.