luccy

Upgrading from Idealist to Realist

2008-01-16T23:42:00.000-07:00

There’s nothing like traveling the world.

It was inevitable I’d have a different view of things now that I’m back in Colorado. After such a great adventure, I had the extreme sense that I COULD do anything and be anyone! I followed my heart and moved to the mountains to become a hippie. I fit in up here a lot better—much less pressure to be so damn “Denver-Cool.”

There’s nothing like following your dream.

Only problem is I caught myself crying on the couch over a box of cookies watching Project Runway. Remember when we used to watch it all together? That was the fuckin’ shit!

Sorry I was never a very good friend. Sorry I was always so selfish. Sorry I never knew what to say when you needed someone to say something. I wish I had a take-back. Now its too late, and I don’t have any friends.

Or love.

It took me two hours to make a profile on match.com only to realize that guys don’t look for girls like me on match.com! Besides it’s kind of hard to write in words “I want to sleep with you,” without actually saying it or using any sort of body language. I like the use of body language.

In conclusion, starting over isn’t all its cracked up to be. But I guess it’s better than being stuck in a rut? Hopefully in a week or two I’ll write about how I’m livin’ the dream.

P.S. – I sold my scooter to Geno to help start my practice.

Working on a cruise ship...

2007-08-25T03:54:00.000-07:00

Working on a cruise ship is like groundhog day. Every 12 days is new start.

2007-06-09T03:25:00.000-07:00

My home is the sea.

I’ve left Colorado to go and seek my fortune.

When I return, I’ll buy my dad a house and fill it full of those colorful balls from the McDonald’s playland so he won’t hurt himself.

I’ll keep in touch if you do. It’s quite lonely out here on the high seas.

Let's talk about the weather

2007-04-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

Some people think its science. Some think its God. These words are starting to mean the same thing to me. But I’m still asking why?

Hopefully one day I won’t have to ask why?

I’ll just know.

such a life!

2007-04-04T07:51:00.000-07:00

valleys, hills, mountains, plateaus, rocky trails, smooth trails, no trails, sunshine, clouds, wind, wide open...

good morning

2007-01-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

It is noon on Sunday.

The Challenger exploded 22 years ago.

When my mom was pregnant with me, she fell off a snowmobile and couldn't feel me kick for two days.

God's been missing for quite some time, but the Chaos Theory gives me comfort.

I was suposed to be born on Valentine's day, but I was two weeks early. I've never been able to show up on time for love.

Top ten list: what I would do with an extra $1000

2007-01-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

10 – have my left breast augmented
9 – pay back my mom for all the times she’s lent me $20
8 – two months rent
7 – save it for a rainy day
6 – donate it to charity
5 – take all my friends out for sushi and sake and lap dances
4 – my very own turn tables
3 – new pair of skies
2 – give it to Willy to buy snowmobile parts
1 – Buy a plane ticket to China

The bank gave me an extra $1000 today at noon. About 3 hours later, I went back and pointed out the mistake. I am sure that God/ Jesus/ Buddha/ Natural Selection/ the Tao/ the universe are all very proud of my honesty. At least Erick at Wells Fargo will still have a job tomorrow. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.

DJ (short for Dream Job)

2007-01-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

Jesus Christ! I just heard hot chip followed by Ratata and then !!! (chk chk chk). That’s it. I’ve got a new dream job. I want to be a DJ on satellite radio. I’ll move to NYC and live in the lower east side and share an office with Howard Stren and Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart. Occasionally I'll bump into Joan Jet and be like, “hey Joan Jet…umm...your set made me wet.” And then run down the hall giggling at all my rhymes. Every other Thursday I'll hang out with Matt Pinfield and kiss his ass and be like, “hey Matt Pinfield you totally know so many more bands than me!” But the best part of my dream job as a DJ on satellite radio will be knowing that off somewhere away from the city, perhaps in the mountains, someone is listening to my set. Miles from no where, she can’t even get cell phone reception or FM reception. If a tree fell in the woods she’d be the only one to hear it smash. But it would be smashing to the beat of my set blasting on her satellite radio. Goddamn, that’s some kind of power!

2006-12-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

I got four Christmas presents in the mail today from my aunt and uncle in Hawaii.

Hawaii sounds nice and warm. My body doesn’t like the cold. It feels like someone put ice in my insides. Everything I touch that is cold feels like a knife on my skin. I’m so cold, I’m shaking, and crying. Its like my whole personality has changed. Playing in the snow doesn’t even sound like fun anymore.

Last night I went to bed with a bag of potato chips and Kurt Vonegut. I woke up around 3AM and thought I was on drugs. Really really good drugs, so it goes.

When I was at the post office today picking up my Christmas presents, the man in front of me smelled like rotten cheese. His cloths were dirty and bloody. He asked if he could sit down on the bench and then come up to the front of the line when I was about at the front of the line. I gladly said yes because I thought he might be having a heart attack. Five minutes later he asked if I would call him a cab. Again I said yes because I couldn’t think how else he’d get home. About 20 other people were watching all this. Just standing there with their mouths open. I wonder why he asked me and no one else?

Where do you put Christmas presents when you don’t have a Christmas tree? Or any Christmas decorations? Or any clean spot on the floor? I just put them in a pile next to my couch. I decided to wait until later to open them. Maybe I will open one tonight.

My body is so hot! It feels like My insides are on fire. My chest is dripping with sweat and so is my head and my back. It’s pretty gross. I feel dizzy and I have a headache. I should probably lie down. And cry some more. I am glad no one is around to see this. Those punk rock girls downstairs must keep the house at 80 degrees. This sucks. I have NO control…just heat.

I wonder if that guy made it home okay in the cab? He’ll probably be dead before Christmas. He had better open his Christmas presents tonight! Soup would be a much better dinner for him than potato chips. And he should read something nice like…fuck I don’t know…C.S. Lewis. If he read Vonegut, he’d probably die right then and there! So it goes.

my dad's a pirate

2006-11-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

I just got back from visiting my brother in Florida for Thanksgiving. I took my dad with me. While I was pushing him through the airport terminal, a little boy stopped, pointed at us and say, “look mommy—a pirate!” His mom knocked him upside the head. My dad and I just laughed.

doomed with a peter pan complex

2006-11-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

my duty

2006-11-07T22:54:00.000-07:00

On my left is a determined businesswoman. She’s got a meeting in an hour and a half, and she calculated that four people come out every ten minutes and there’s forty people in front of us, therefore, we’ve got about an hour until we’ll be done.

To my right is a cute boy with dreamy eyes, an honest smile, and a volcom belt. He’s been typing on his blackberry for about an hour. Every-once-in-a-while he’ll smile at me or laugh with the businesswoman, but mostly keeps to himself.

I spent two hours with these people. Two hours standing in line to vote, and all I got was a sticker…

and democracy. (kind of)

Wal-Mart v. my own distruction

2006-10-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

This can’t be too hard.

Right angles, only a few screws, and directions with pictures. This screw goes here. I think.

Oops.
That’s backwards.
I’ll just pull it out with scissors.

FUCK! Ouch. God damn piece of…shit. I’m bleeding. Better get a band-aide. FUCK! No band-aides. Paper towel and tape will have to do. Maybe I should use a screwdriver instead. It’s not as sharp.

Oops. Breaking the wood probably isn’t good. Hmmm. Plywood. I’ll just use some wood glue. And duct tape…

and wa-la. Good as new.

That wasn’t too hard. It looks nice. I like figuring things out on my own. Who needs directions???

All my books fit nicely.

going to your funeral

2006-10-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

These are some things to do when no one's around

(arranged in no particular order):

1- walk around naked.
2- Eat ice cream (or sherbet if you’re lactose intolerant)
3- Talk to the cat
4- Masturbate
5- Write about being alone
6- Listen to music
7- go to bed early
8- watch clips on youtube.com
9- pick your nose
10- go to a funeral

Here’s to you Vicki Day! May you never be alone again!

10/20/06 at lip gloss

2006-10-07T17:16:00.000-07:00

Back in school you ever get busted for trying to walk and have some administrator tell you "Son you can struck your obligations and try to be different from your peers but responsibility of future is gonna find you!”

Well…

Responsibility has caught up to me. On October 20th I will be responsible for making sure everyone at lip gloss is having a booty shakin’ good time.

Your responsibility is to help me with a play list!

Any requests???

Willie's got it figured out!

2006-10-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Willie Nelson got caught with a pound and a half of weed and 0.2 of mushrooms. This is what he had to say for himself:

"At least I got caught with a bag of weed. If it had been spinach I'd be dead by now!"

Thunder Road

2006-09-29T18:49:00.000-07:00

Its getting cold.
I better shut window.
Its getting quiet.
I better turn on some music.

If I didn’t live half a block from Colfax, and if I didn’t share walls with a drummer, it would be completely quiet. One day when I’m up in the mountains and its completely quite, I’ll wish I was in the city with all the people and the noise. But for now I’ll watch the sunset at Cheeseman and wish I was up there, in the mountains. I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted right at the tips of my fingers. But I won’t know what’s gonna happen until April. Six months of waiting. I’ll be waiting to graduate, waiting for Anne and Sasha to leave, waiting to move, waiting to go, waiting to stay. I predict I’ll change my mind about 720 times. That’s four decision changes a day for the next six months. Yesterday I made a decision to leave. By noon today I was staying. Right now it’s about 6:30PM and I’m leaving. I don’t think I can handle this. I’ve just got to figure out the pattern…

What comes next?

There are 64 chapters in the I Ching. There are 64 possible combinations of DNA. Is the a coincidence? Absolutely not. There are 8 hexagrams to the I Ching. There are 4 combinations of A, T, C, or G. 8 times 8 is 64. This is a pattern.

Life is chaos until someone figures out the pattern. What was gravity before Newton? What was relativity before Einstein? What was space-time before Hawking? What is my life but a pattern? All I have to do is make an educated guess as what happens next then trust my instinct and drive right in!

Brian + Heart = Mountains

There. It’s no longer chaos. I don’t know what it looks like…what, when, where, or how, but I know its why I keep going. Bruce Springsteen already wrote a song about this. Its called Thunder Road.

I'm going.

It sounds good to say that. Now that I’ve made up my mind, what shall I do tonight? Its Friday. Willy’s in Vegas. Anne’s getting sloppy at the Great American Beer Festival. Sasha’s getting high and day dreaming about Jon and France. Tyler and Karen are going to the punk rock show. Dave’s drinking for free at the Flying Dog. I’ll probably just sit here and listen to the CD’s my neighbor burned for me. And then I’ll probably study. There’s lots I’ve got to know.

Fuck that. I’m callin’ Dave.

spanish for moment

2006-08-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

For the past year or so I have been working with this fellow who has a brain injury. His memory--short term and long term--is affected. The other day we were having coffee and reading when he looked up at me and said, "After I set down my book, I won't be able to remember the story. So why is it that I like to read so much?"

Only God is perfect

2006-08-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

The other night I watched the movie Pi. I’d never seen it. With my recent obsession with the number, I was hoping the movie would give some insight.

But it didn’t.

The main character, Max, believes everything in nature can be understood through numbers. The first thing that came to my mind was my physics professor. He used to say, “Math is the thoughts of God.” I always figured if I could understand math I could understand God. But I don’t understand math. And I most certainly don’t understand God.

Max was searching for patterns, but pi has no pattern. It is a completely random number with infinite digits. Nonetheless the chain of numbers is always the same. Isn’t that a pattern in itself? The ratio between the circumference and diameter of a circle is always 22/7. Every circle has a pattern. Pi is a pattern and it is chaos at the same time. So his search was a pointless spiral into insanity, literally. But he wasn’t even searching for patterns in pi. He was searching for a 216 digit number. How does this number relate to pi?

I didn’t understand, so I decided to try and diagnose Max. I wanted to help him with his debilitating headaches, social anxiety disorder, and hallucinations. If I could have made him feel better his thoughts would be clearer. Acupuncture is good for headaches.

Explanations for anomaly: Human error. Failed treatments to date: Beta blockers, calcium channel blockers, adrenaline injections, high-dose ibuprofen, steroids, trigger metastics, violent exercise, caffeine, acupuncture, marijuana, percodan, midrin, tenormen, sanser, homeopathics... No results. No results.

The only thing that helped was a drill to the head.

What a strange movie. I think I am missing something. Maybe I will call Dr. Oakley.

The tomato plants are getting big

2006-08-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

2006-08-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

Me gusta un muchacho mexicano nombrado Rene. Él conduce una motocicleta. El jueves pasado él me tomó para ver Manu Chao. Bailamos juntos en el concierto. ¡Él me hace sonrisa!

Buffalo '66

2006-07-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

You know your problem?
Your problem is your mother.
Because you know what?
That's all you do.
You run when your mom calls you all the time.
Can you just geta phone book ?

No, I gotta go. My mom said I gotta go.

I need you for one second.
Get a phone book.

Don't be sore at me like that, Billy.

I just need you to get a phone book
Every time your mother says something, that's how you—
That's why peoplecall you Goon.
Do you know why they call you Goon?
Because you’re retarded. And you're ugly. You're an ugly retard.
And they call you Goon because you're ugly and retarded.
And you'll always be Goon. Goon, Goon, Goon. And that's
what I'm going to call you...for the rest of your life,
is Goon. Goon, Goon, Goon, Goon. Okay ?
So fuck you.

Impeach my Bush

2006-07-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

The president used his veto power for the first time today. He announced his decision to not support a bill that was passed by congress. The announcement was made at the White House with a strategically chosen audience of 18 families whose children were born after using embryos from other couples seeking fertility treatment. I wonder what would have happened if he made the announcement in front of 18 people with spinal cord injuries? Or maybe 18 families who have loved ones that suffer from Alzheimer's or Parkinson's disease?

In other news, more than 300 people have been killed and 500,000 others displaced in a week of Israeli attacks. Bill Gates donated $287 million to HIV/Aids research. Apple is pulling in profits from ipod sales.

Oh...

and Anne's back in town.

Tao of Chaos

2006-07-18T11:27:00.000-07:00

Photographers have a responsibility to take pictures of brick walls and turn them into art. Art is an expression of creativity and imagination. This is a beautiful thing. If brick walls become art, they also become beautiful.

“How beautiful?!” I say to myself as I am lying in bed gazing out the window at a brick wall. “This reminds me of a picture I once saw.”

Just when I think I’ve got life figured out, I run into a brick wall. How beautiful!!!

…by erecting straight-edged buildings that deny emotional relationship, unlike those old Greek temples that applied their sly art of proportion to trigger the visceral response of “That’s art!—not just engineering.” An increasingly “objective” society weakened its blood and clan ties, gradually moved into disposable relationships and rotating stepchildren. Lifelong loyalties watered down to a flux of solitary TV dinners, temporary residences, interchangeable acquaintances. Painting, sculpture, dance, music, drama—all boasted the message of meaningless, empty, frantic life—which itself reinforced more mechanistic separation and alienation. Literature bred its anti-heroes whose great frustration was in finding no exit from this stale horror, no relief from a bleak dis-topia stripped of its subjective frills like ethics, sentiments and ultimate meaning. –Katya Walter, Tao of Chaos

COFFEE!!!

2006-07-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

I love coffee. It makes me crazy. It tastes delicious.

Anything this wonderful must be bad for me right???

For the past few years I’ve limited myself to only drinking coffee on the weekends with a big plate of pancakes. Getting up at 6 AM to go to work, I didn’t want to become dependant on coffee to help with get an early mornin’ buzz. But apparently its not as bad as I thought. Especially since I love alcohol as well!

Some mad scientists, probably all hopped up on caffeine, just found out that drinking coffee may shield the liver from the naughty effects of alcohol on the liver. They studied a shit load of people, and found that the risk of developing alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver dropped with each cup of coffee.

I’m always skeptical of these types of studies. Budweiser and Starbucks are probably conspiring to take over the world. But then again, maybe I should stop being such a prick about what’s “good” for me and what’s “bad” for me.

Its all about moderation.

I chickened out and didn't go camping by myself.

2006-07-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

But I learned an important lesson.

Everything

Cannot

Happen

All

At

Once...

it says in the tao:

Success is as dangerous as failure, and we are often our own worst enemy.

What does it mean that success is as dangerous as failure?
He who is superior is also someone's subordinate.
Receiving favor and loosing it both cause alarm.
That is what is meant by success is as dangerous as failure.
What does it mean that we are often our own worst enemy?
The reason I have an enemy is because I have "self".
If I no longer had a "self", I would no longer have an enemy.

Love the whole world as if it were your self; then you will truly care for all things.

Life's Pursiut

2006-06-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

Complaining about my life is a waste of words. Things have happened that were fucked up, to put it bluntly. But for the most part, I must take responsibility for the choices I’ve made. For example, I chose to go to school. I chose to study a subject matter that in not in my native language. I chose to take 19 credit hours during the summer. Therefore, it is a waste for me to complain that I am busy with school. And it is true, I am busy with school, but to state this in hopes of sympathy really isn’t fair.

But I’m off for a week, so you won’t have to listen to my belly aches.

And I won’t get upset that a bum took a shit next to my car. It will just be motivation for me to leave town.

And I won’t be disgusted when I swallow a bug on my scooter…at least I have a scooter to ride. And besides, it tasted kind of sweet, like pollen.

And I especially won’t cry when I drop my Amy’s organic vegan meatloaf frozen dinner all over the kitchen floor. I’ll just scrape up what I can because there’s no one around to see me do this. I’ll pull out the hair and continue eating. Its my hair after all. I do live alone. Who else’s would it be? I’ll plop down on my couch and enjoy my dirt encrusted TV dinner while I watch the “The Royal Tenenbaums” for the hundredth time.

I’m saving up my strength.

Tomorrow I plan on taking over the world. First I will see my dad. This will give me purpose and motivation. Next I will face my greatest fear: loneliness. I plan on spending one night in the woods without a tent all by myself. If I survive this will give me confidence. If I fail, I’ll never complain again. Maybe this will be my last post ever. Years from now some helpless web surfer will stumble upon my blog. And the last thing written will be this…

And he or she will wonder…”Did she make it alone in the woods? Was she attacked by a wild animal? Or has she begun her plans to take over the world?”

But before all that, I should clarify. By the world, I mean Colorado. I am 26, single, and have no kids. I am going to graduate from school in less than 6 months. One might say I am beginning to “grow my wings.” What a waste to stay in the same rut. Just like complaining about the things I can change. Why not L.A. or NYC? Don’t worry. My associates are already covering those bases. Needless to say, the take over is a life long pursuit. But I really don’t have much to loose.

Don’t wish me luck. Luck is for the unprepared.

“When one man, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself.” – Jacques-Yves Coustea

I have test anxiety.

2006-06-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

When will this end?
I have never failed a test, and yet I get anxiety EVERY TIME!!!

Okay. I failed a test once...the MCAT. But that's not really pass or fail. Its more your scores kick ass or your scores suck.

My scores sucked.

But that turned out okay because, according to my physics professor, I would never have made it in medical school anyway.

So how shall I cope?

I think I'll get drunk and naked.

Well maybe not drunk. I'm a sloppy drunk.

Okay.

I'm too shy to take my clothes off, so I probably won't be getting naked either.

Maybe I'll just write a post about my test anxiety and include a pucture of some hot chick vomiting in a bull's eye.

Brief Confessions

2006-06-13T08:31:00.001-07:00

I change my clothes, on average, three times a day.

Even though I am in the final stretch of my Master's Degree, I still cram for tests that I think are unimportant. I only studied 15 min. for the test I have today.

Sometimes I day dream about living in a small mid-western town just so I can experience a different side of life away from this scene, away from everything and everyone.

I have too much on my plate. But if I stop eating I’ll be sick.

When people ask me "how's your dad?" I always say, "good."

If I ever do time

2006-06-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

If you get a tattoo in prison, its advised not to get an MRI. It has something to do with the metal used to administer the ink into your skin.

If I ever go to prison and have a chance to get a tattoo, it will say something like this:

I got this tattoo in prison: please don’t give me an MRI!!!

I’m thinking somewhere on my chest.

6/6/06 was lame... but 6/9/06 kicked ass!

2006-06-10T23:01:00.000-07:00

Because I’ve been looking forward to this show since March when Johnny DJ told me they were coming…

Since I paid ten dollars to get in…and not Dave nor Nick nor Sasha nor Anne wanted to join me…

Steph came along with her broken scapula, collar bone and ribs, but politely excused herself in the middle of the show…

None the less... Matt Fox said they were artsy!
And I think he had a good time.

6/9/06 was a good day.
I had breakfast with an extreme mountain biker.
I swam with a German.
I attended a business meeting about a web site.
I spent too much money on records.
I looked at “art.”
I rocked out with the Danielson Family.

warmer, warmer, ..., DISCO!

2006-05-31T20:54:00.000-07:00

Surviving is not the same as taking care of myself.
Taking care of myself is not selfish.
Selfishness and determination have ruined many of my relationships.
Ruined relationships are not mistakes.
A mistake is something that is incorrect, like missing a question on a math test.
What I’ve done in the past was neither incorrect nor correct.
What I’ve done in the past is who I am.
Being content with who I am is finding happiness.

OH MY!

2006-05-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

In 1979 the Army was looking for a new High Mobility Multi-Purpose Wheeled Vehicle (HMMWV). AM General competed in the development of a vehicle to meet the standards of the military. The prototype HUMVEE was created. After 50,000 miles of extensive, repetitive testing, it was decided that the HUMVEE was the best vehicle for the job. In 1983 the U.S. Army awarded a $1.2 billion contract to AM General for 55,000 HUMVEES. Production began on a vehicle dubbed the HUMMER M998. In 1992 a civilian model was introduced. It now comes in pink.

Wheels are better than feet

2006-05-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

There was a ½ Marathon down Colfax last Sunday.

It took the fasted male 2 hours and 45 minutes to finish. That’s an average of 6 minutes and 19 seconds per mile.

It took the fasted wheelchair male 1 hours and 43 minutes to reach the finish. That’s an average of only 3 minutes and 56 seconds per mile.

According to this data, the average male is evolutionarily challenged by the disabled male, and therefore, the disabled male is not “disabled” in the sense of the word. If we would have evolved into a species with wheels as feet, we would be faster and more efficient. Not to mention, it would kick ass to roll instead of walking everywhere.

I’ve always admired a man with a good set of wheels.

7 out of 10 would agree (+/- 1 person)

2006-05-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

I am voting in the next election, not in support of a particular party, but to remove the current. What else can I do?

my crazy witch craft voo-doo school

2006-05-18T00:07:00.000-07:00

Day: Monday
Class: Western Medical Referral
Teacher: Divorced, single mother from China
Lesson: Asthma
What I learned in class: People who are lonely have more problems with their lungs, so I should tell patients to talk to theirs pets and to flirt when they go out.

Day: Tuesday
Class: Western Nutrition
Teacher: Overweight Chiropractor
Lesson: Vitamins and Minerals
What I learned in class: 3 out of 5 people in Denver have Hypothyroidism*. Apparently, there is such a high level of Chlorine in the city water that when we take a shower chlorine gas evaporates. As we inhale this toxic gas, the chlorine ions bind to our thyroid gland because we all have a preexisting iodine deficiency, thus causing hypothyroidism.
*Comments: I call bull shit on this one, but my teacher was so passionate about this argument that I wasn’t about to get into a debate. So I sat in the back of the class and shook my head.

Day: Tuesday
Class: Clinical Business
Teacher: Acupuncturist with an MBA
Lesson: Finances
What I learned: I need a separate credit card for my business expenses. It seems that this is common knowledge because I looked like a dumb ass when I asked why? I can assign all the carbons to a benzene ring. I even know what herbs can treat a common cold, but I can’t tell you shit about biz-nas.

Day: Wednesday
Class: Internal Medicine
Teacher: Famous herbalist from China
Lesson: Lung and Large Intestine diseases
What I learned: The graveyards in ancient China had a large circle in the middle that was reserved for infants and small children. The deceased youngsters were not buried there, but simply laid out on the ground. According to legend if a wolf or wild animal ate your dead child it was good luck for you to conceive another.

champion

2006-05-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

I should be getting a package in the mail today from my brother. He wants to give me a trophy. I’m sure it will be gold plated with a nice oak stand. On top will be a girl with pig tales and a cute smile kind of like a cheerleader, but not quite as naïve. She’ll be more like a spelling bee champion. It will be engraved—“best sister ever.” I’ll put it on top of my bookcase so when people come over they’ll marvel in its glory. “Oh wow,” they’ll say, “your brother must really appreciate you as a person.” It should come today. I hope he wasn’t being facetious.

two is better than one?

2006-05-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I had a patient who is 94 years old. I asked her, “What is your secret?” She told me, “Laughter was the best medicine. Laugh as much as you can.” She’s absolutely right, and I’m pretty sure that’s why I don’t like to be alone. Crying and laughing are equally important means of expressing emotion. But it is uncomfortable to cry in public and crazy to laugh by alone.

grandpa is getting old

2006-05-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

New York to Moab (an epic adventure)

2006-05-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

About six years ago at the alter of a small chapel in Golden, CO, I accidentally saw my husband-to-be before our wedding ceremony. They say this is bad luck. I never believed in “bad luck,” just coincidence. But that was six years ago, and now I don’t think the bad luck is such a wife’s tale. The chapel was filled with white lilies and red converse high tops, black candles and white doc martins. It was a “punk rock” wedding with a punk rock ending. We swore we’d love each other forever. Our glasses filled with non-alcoholic wine purchased at Safeway only hours earlier, we toasted to a lifetime of happiness.

I don’t blame him or the bad luck or the non-alcoholic wine. Most of the blame still falls upon myself. After I left him, I unconsciously brainwashed myself listening to “Love is Suicide” by the Smashing Pumpkins every night before I went to bed. I was a bitter person.

About a year ago in a New York City Subway station my luck changed. It was a new beginning—a lust for life. I won’t attribute the transformation to a Mr. R. Baca or a Mr. Saucy Cowboy or a Mr. Eugene Hultz. But they certainly were part of my inspiration. With passion and determination on my side I invented such activities as “Sunday Funday,” I started going out on the weekends to seek adventure instead of debauchery. I learned how to snowboard at high speeds. I climbed a 14er and made it to the top. I started running and doing yoga. I rebuilt a bike. I learned how to DJ. I bought a scooter. Go Go GO!!!

A few days ago I went to Moab. When I got back, I got a hair cut. Now I have bangs! Boom.

I used to get really sad around this time of year, but this has been a particularly good year. I’m glad I decided to take a negative and turn it into a positive. Suicide is selfish. Life is good. I wonder what I’ll do this year?

domo ari-gato

2006-05-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

An hour and a half and a roll of quarters means my laundry is done—six loads total. Its taken practice, but I’ve got it down to a science. I know exactly which machines wash the fastest and which dryers dry the fastest. The Japanese man who owns the laundry mat knows me as “doctor.” He thinks I’m a doctor because I always wash a load of periwinkle scrubs. Explaining to him is vain.

“I am a student. I only work at a hospital as a tech. I am not a doctor.”

“Oh very nice. You work today?”

“Yes I worked today. I work everyday except Sunday. Just like you.”

“Oh very nice. You a very good doctor.”

Tonight I wasn’t in a hurry. It almost seemed pointless to me to hurry. Why should I hurry? I have nothing else to do tonight except my laundry. What does it matter that I finish in an hour and a half if I am only on my way back to an empty apartment to stare at my pale yellow walls? Maybe I should slow down, take my time and finish that book I’ve been reading for the past six months. Sometimes I read a book just to feel the pages run between my fingers. Justin once asked me what was my favorite sense? I lied to him and told him it was sight. It wasn’t a conscious lie, it was just the first thing that came out of my mouth. No sooner had I said it that I knew I had meant to say touch. The evening was spent touching my book and looking at my laundry spinning and spinning in the dyer. It took me one hour and about 37 minutes. Now I am just staring at my pale yellow walls.

Workers Unite

2006-04-13T22:44:00.000-07:00

Not only has it been 79 degrees in Denver, but it’s also been 79 in at the hospital where I work. It’s uncomfortable hot. The maintenance men are “fixing the air conditioner,” but someone forgot the “order the right parts.” So a two-week job has turned into a two-month job.

I noticed this morning a huge portable air conditioning unit in the administration office across the hall. Only five people work in that office: three secretaries and two higher-up type important people. No other department in the whole hospital got a portable air conditioning unit. We’ve all been suffering the heat. Not to mention, no patients ever go into that office, so they’ve been suffering as well.

So today one of the fire-ball nurses that works in the clinic gathered a bunch of other nurses and marched into the administration office. They all stood right in front of the portable air conditioning unit with their arms up and demanded it be moved to the clinic. And it was.

Workers unite.

Carson Daly is my Hero: a short essay on the flexable morals of music

2006-04-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

I have a DJ gig this Friday night, and I couldn’t be more excited. For that past month, I’ve been conspiring musical selections for the evening. If I had my way, we’d listen to Donovan, Skeeter Davis, and Belle and Sebastian all night. I might get crazy and throw down some Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins, too. But I realize these selections aren’t appropriate, especially since this is a hair/fashion show. So I’ve been racking my brain for ideas and seeking out inspiration.

Mark was over at my apartment today. I was apologizing to him for the mess. “Sorry I have records all over my living room floor.”

“Don’t even worry about it. You’ve got a skate board, a snow board, a bike, a scooter, and a car. You’re goin’ places!”

“No I’m not. I’m going crazy trying to think of what to songs to play for this fashion show.”

“Just give the people what they want to hear.”

He got me thinking. “Pop culture huh?” But I’m so out of touch. I don’t even watch MTV. TRL is stupid. Granted, I’ve only seen the show once and that was years ago. A wide-eyed Mariah Carrie was the special surprise musical guest. Wearing only a skin-tight baby tee and a bathing suit bottom, she gave out ice cream to all the screaming, manic teenagers. I don’t even think she ever performed. Judging by his reaction, host Carson Daly was none to impressed with her. “Are you feeling okay Mariah?” Oblivious to the intention of the question she responded, “I feel fantastic Carson.” “Um….yeah…right…okay. Let’s cut to commercial.” I’m pretty sure she was admitted to a rehab clinic shortly after that appearance.

Carson Daly was obviously just as disgusted with this display as I was. I’ve never met the guy, but I get a sense that he didn’t listen to any of the music he introduced on that show. But he was still the host.

Case in point…

DJ’s don’t have rules. They just have habits. And habits are meant to be broken. My goal is to fill the dance floor and make everyone have a memorable evening. My inspiration is you.

Friday night @ 3 Kings Tavern…beauty as bait…here goes nothin’!

SAy YeaH

2006-03-29T19:32:00.000-07:00

Imagine Bruce Springsteen

20 years younger...

more of a nerd...

a bit shorter...

rockin' indie style...

Clap your hands!

Run the lip off sunshine shore
Betray white water
Delay dark forms
Slap young waves on wooden bones
Don't touch the laughter and away we go

and away we go...

What a super show!

Ode to the snow

2006-03-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

As a tribute to one of the best seasons of snowfall EVER, I wrote this little poem.
Hope you like it.

He Hum (throat clearing noise)

Oh snow how I love thee.
You make my snowboard glide
Down the hill…WEEEEE!

Soon reality will be dealt with
As you’ll be melted.

And all the water molecules will be set free.

Ps - I hope you don’t mind if I cheat on you with the pavement this summer.

Sunday Funday adventure #33: snowmobiling with shwilly

2006-03-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

Alert the media

2006-03-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, aslide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, US Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x'and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator ofthe axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

you ain't a beauty, but hey, you're alright

2006-03-07T23:12:00.000-07:00

I got home on Monday from taking my dad skiing. His determination never ceases to amaze me! So much shit has happened to him, but he still keeps getting up and trying again. When I walked into his room to pick him up on Friday morning I said, “hey dad, what’s goin’ on?” And he looked up at me and said, “only good things.” Skiing next to him on Sunday was probably one of the best days of my life.

It takes four hours to drive to Monte Vista from Denver.

There and back is eight, plus there and back again is 16.

Eight I am alone and eight I am with my dad.

When I am alone I rock out Belle and Sebastian. Or I sing at the top of my lungs to Rilo Kiley. Sometimes I cry (like as sissy emo kid) to Bright Eyes. And on occasion I drink a lot of coffee and/or Red Bull and put on my old punk rock cds like Stretch Armstrong or Suicide Machines. I also tend to think too much about life, but mostly about what to write on this silly blog.
A couple years ago I made him a cd with close to fifty of his favorite songs from the Beatles, Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, and John Denver. When I’m with him, that’s what we listen to. Somehow the song about the day the music died made it on the cd. Neither of us know who sings the song, but every time it comes on he will tell me the widowed bride is Yuko Uno, and the hands being clenched in fists of rage was when the Hell’s Angles did security for the Rolling Stones and someone died. And we can both sing every single word.

He likes to point out good lyrics. Like Bruce’s Thunder Road, “you ain’t a beauty, but hey you’re all right.” We laugh at that one. When we’re driving in the mountains and the view is nice, he’ll look at me and quotes John Denver, “I love the life within me…I feel apart of everything I see.” And when the Beatles, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds starts to play, he looks at me and says “LUCCY!”
(because he knows its my nickname)

I've always liked the taste of vinegar.

2006-03-01T22:41:00.000-07:00

This is a figurative painting from ancient China. Each of the three men represent one of the three teachings of China. The vinegar they are tasting represents the essence of life.

The first man has a sour look on his face, the second wears a bitter expression, but the third man is smiling.

To Confucius, life seemed rather sour. He believed that the present was out of step with the past and that the world would be a much better place if there were strict rules. Confucius emphasized a strict order which ruled the affairs of all in his land. Anything that did not fit into the established order was considered bad.

The second figure in the painting - Buddha - considered life on earth to be bitter. He saw this world to be filled with attachments and desires that led to suffering; a setter of traps, a generator of illusions and a revolving wheel of endless pain. In order to find peace, Buddha maintained that it was necessary to transcend this world. The Buddhist sees the path to happiness constantly being interrupted by the bitterness of this world.

Lao Tzu is the third man in the painting. According to Lao Tzu, the world was governed by the laws of nature, not by those of men. He maintained that the more man interfered with the natural order of things, the more out of balance the world became. As things became unbalanced, trouble followed. Lao Tzu is smiling because sourness and bitterness comes from the interfering and unappreciative mind. Life itself, when understood and utilized for what it is, is sweet.

That is the message of The Vinegar Tasters.

synonyms don't exist

2006-02-25T20:43:00.000-07:00

This morning I paid attention in class and learned an important lesson.

This afternoon I put together a bike. I cursed a lot, but I didn't cry. It felt good to work with my hands.

This evening I came home and painted my toenails red and listened to records.

Type A (personality and blood)

2006-02-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I’ve got a big test—30 formulas, 120 herbs and their actions (all in Chinese). So for now, I’ve got work to do.

But next weekend, my brother and I are taking my dad skiing at Breckenridge.

And then Elizabeth and her lovely, adorable daughter Soren will be in town. And so will Koji.

I’ve got lots to look forward to and that always makes the hard work seem less hard.

This is a letter from Koji:

it was cool today at work. a manager asked me to do a split shift. i told him that i would not do split. he asked me why. i told him "what am i? a cheap chineese labor?". actually his girlfriend is chinease and he is white. then he gave me an old taco salad. he told me not to have a break but I could have the taco salad. it was not good at all. it was old. he asked me why i did not like it. i sad to him "what do you think i am? Mexican?" it was funny. i should start making all kinds of racial jokes like that. i have to be careful though.

confessional

2006-02-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

There is a time in everyman’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and nor but he knows what that is which he can do, nor he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. The eye was places where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved as gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope. -R. W. Emerson

Thank you Didymus!

We both used to hide in trees. For me, it was an old aspen tree in the park across from my house. I used to hide in the branches, among the leaves for hours. I carved my name in the trunk.

I haven’t stopped thinking about what you said. For days now, its been on my mind. You pretty much summarized why I never made it as a Christian. I never understood forgiveness, and I was consumed, to the point of near death, by the grips of guilt. But I’ve decided to come down from the tree.

What is guilt?
1 – feeling shameful for the things I’ve done.
2 – questioning weather my actions are “right” or “wrong” (and leaning towards wrong)
3 – having a sense that I’ve gotten away with something

Positive guilt forces me to assess the consequences of my actions, therefore, avoiding selfishness. Bad guilt destroys my ability to deal with a situation and consumes my motivation to take positive action to improve my circumstances. Bad guilt makes me live in the past.

Statements like this…

Suicide.
I have heard it said many a time that suicide is the most selfish act. How insensitive...
Pardon me for saying so, but what about the possibility of the selfishness of the individuals around such a person that may have been a driving force?
I wish people knew and believed that they have intrinsic value.

...keep me up at night.

I feel guilty when I let people down, so I am constantly deceiving myself (and others) in order to appear better than I really am. I feel guilty for not saying what I mean. I feel guilty for always falling for the ass holes. I feel guilty for lacking self confidence and self worth. I feel guilty because I’m afraid. I’m afraid because the boy I have a crush on might read this and think I’m weird. I’m even more afraid because I should have stopped having crushes about ten years ago. I feel guilty for being afraid of love.

I feel guilty for priding myself with being honest even though honesty is my greatest fear.

Luccy - I often fear that you’ll catch me off guard in a moment where I am vulnerable enough that you can see my soul. I suppose I ought to apologize in advance for the disappointment you’ll feel.

Ceci - i often fear that you will try to keep yourself from being vulnerable to the ones who really love you, and don't want to hurt you.

Lonely is my wound. It oozes with weakness.

Do you know how many people it took to make the T-shirt I am wearing?

This is not a metaphor...

2006-02-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I did something similar…

But I can’t just ignore a tag from Anne!

Four (other) jobs that I've had:
1 – pizza cook at southwest pizza company, Monte Vista, CO (age 16)
2 – Secretary for Co-west insurance, Monte Vista, CO (age 16)
3 – Life Skills Trainer at Learning Services, Lakewood, CO (age 18-20)
4 – Barista at Cherry Creek Tattered Cover coffee shop (age 24-25)

Four little-known facts about me:
1 – I’m on the “d” team.
2 – Ambulances/fire trucks and freakishly large dogs scare me.
3 – I’m falling for a boy that has one leg.
4 – I own a 1973 Vespa Primavera 125.

Four city airports I have been to:
1 – Denver
2 – Chicago
3 – New York
4 – Hong Kong

Four favorite male actors:
1 - jake gyllenhaal
2 –
3 –
4 –

Four foods that I hate to love:
1 – Pancakes
2 – Waffles
3 – Sugar cookies (with frosting)
4 – Rice crispie treats

(all enjoyed with a cup of coffee)

Four web sites (not blogs) I visit daily:
1 – myspacec.com
2 – google.com
3 – radio1190.org
4 – stuffonmycat.com

Four things I want to do before I die:
1 – DJ for Needles and Pins
2 – Climb all the 14ers in Colorado
3 – start my own business
4 – Fall in love
(not necessarily in that order)

Four people I'm tagging:
1 – Ceci n'est pas
2 – Almitra
3 – Didymus
4 – Vos Voy ez?

The Life Pursuit (if only it were a Belle and Sebastian song)

2006-02-10T17:06:00.000-07:00

You know, my bip boppin’ days are over. I’ve hung my boots up and retired. All I could think to do last night was download the new Belle and Sebastian album.

I’m suppose to go to Lipgloss with Miss Lexxy this evening. I will be glad to see her. I had this funny dream about her and she was wearing funny shoes, and she was dressed like a punk…

Maybe I’ll bump into that cute bar tender and I’ll say to him, “You ain’t ugly, you can kiss me if you like.” And his buddy will say, “Go ahead and kiss her, you don’t know what you’re missing.”

We’ll go out on Saturday and it will be lovely. But he’ll realize I’m not the one, and he’ll say, “I haven’t changed. I pretty much the same person.”

Come Sunday I’ll start feeling sinister. And I’ll be off to see the minister so he can take away (in vian) the pain of being a hopeless unbeliever.

Monday I’ll go back to work and start talking about the weekend in metaphors. “I fought in a war and I left my friends behind me,” I’ll tell my co-workers.

The night will follow day and back again, but I won’t want to sleep. But who can blame me? Its someone else’s turn to take a fall. And now I’ll be the one who’s strong enough to help them.

The Chinese are brainwashing me!

2006-02-07T19:11:00.000-07:00

I had a very long conversation with my teacher last Friday about piercings and tattoos. He is convinced that such body modifications will disrupt one's flow of qi.

Today my nose rings came out for the first time in 8 years.

If I don't feel a change in the next couple weeks they're going back in!

The Chinese are very convincing, what can I say?

I don't know what to do about the tattos...

This is not a post about the war

2006-02-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

Bush said in his State of the Union address that he would seek to break dependence on Middle East oil via new technologies and jack up funding on energy sources including coal and nuclear power as well as wind and solar power, hydrogen and ethanol.
(full story)

but…

"In terms of renewable fuels, ethanol is the worst solution. It has the highest energy cost with the least benefit," says Berkley professor Tad W. Patzek. His ethanol critique began during a freshman seminar he taught in which he and his students calculated the energy balance of the biofuel. Taking into account the energy required to grow the corn and convert it into ethanol, they determined that burning the biofuel as a gasoline additive actually results in a net energy loss of 65 percent. Later, Patzek says he realized the loss is much more than that even.
(full story)

so…
cost of corn seed = $42.16 per acre
cost of John Deer Tractor = $17,900
cost of fertilizer = $30 per acre
cost of labor to turn corn into ethanol = $5.25 per hour

cost of oil = priceless and counting

I am no expert on biofuels. I am, however, deeply concerned that with our current technological advances that we are still so dependant on oil as an energy source.

A revolution must occur! My new source of transportation with look something like this:

Who's with me? Come on...it'll be fun.

I swear its the cigarettes that are killing me. It has nothing to do with inevitability.

2006-01-31T00:21:00.000-07:00

There’s a reason why I keep, on my bookshelf, a copy of the Bible next to all my old Adbusters next to the playboy 50th anniversary commemorative book. I believe in balance. Too much of one thing, not enough of the other—it causes problems.

top ten uses for marshmallows

2006-01-25T16:20:00.000-07:00

10 - on top of hot chocolate
9 - jello molds
8 - on top of sweet potatoes
7 - rocky road ice cream
6 - peeps
5 - science experiments involving a vacuum
4 - lucky charms
3 - smores
2 - roasted in a camp fire

(drum roll....)

1 - rice crispy treats

I get by with a bit of help from my friends

2006-01-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

An ipod nano for Christmas/HansQuankzakhanka was probably the nicest thing any one has ever done for me.

My life is now in stereo.

Yesterday I was snowboarding in sooper snoochy delicous pow pow nar nar cherry freshies to the sounds of Streolab.

Tonight, I rode the light-rail from Englehood and watched two drunken bafoons dance to the sounds of Charlotte Mittnacht (The Fabulous Destiny of...). And on the bike ride home, Nick and I decided that even though we “already know how it ends,” its going to be a happy ending.

I finally figured out what I have been so sad about...

nothing.

Thanks girls. I heart you and things and stuff.

what I did on my Christmas vacation

2005-12-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

spent time with my family:

read:

played:

_______________________________________________

"Bones are patient. Bones never tire nor do they run away. When you come upon a man who had been dead many years, his bones will still be lying there, in place, content, patiently waiting, but his flesh will have gotten up and left him. Water is like flesh. Water will not stand still. It is always off to somewhere else; restless, talkive, and curious. Even water in a covered jar will disappear in time. Flesh is water. Stones are like bones. Satisfied. Patient. Dependable. Tell me then, Alobar, in order to achieve immortality, should you emulate water or stone? Should you trust your flesh or your bones?"

Alobar stared at the lama and said nothing. After several minutes, the lama hat asked him why he remained silent. "Water babbles to stone," Alobar said, "but stone will not answer."

-Jitterbug Perfume

waiting takes too long

2005-12-14T17:51:00.000-07:00

When I got home from work today, there was a small, brown box in my mail slot. It looked like a box of new checks, but I didn't remember ordering any new checks.

As I examined the box closer, I saw it was from my aunt in New York. Fantastic!

She even used Wilma Rudolf stamps.

For just one moment I thought, "I should wait to open this until Christmas." But the thought left as quickly as it came, and I started ripping open the box as I ran up to stairs to my apartment. It was a gold and purple box. Using my finger nails I pealed away the tape, and opened it...

Oh my.

How exciting.

I love Christmas.
I love suprises.
I love my aunt for sending me maple candy.

Perfectly pressed into the shape of maple leaves, I could hardly handle the pleasure. It melted in my mouth. The best thing would be to ration this treat?

Only five pieces: one each day for the next five days.

No. Its only been two hours and I only have two pieces left.

my friends tell me you're bad news, but I don't care I like you

2005-12-11T14:19:00.000-07:00

Its only 7:30am. Its Sunday. Sunday is funday. I can’t have funday today. I’ve got to study. I should sleep some more. The number one method of interrogation is sleep deprivation. If I don’t get enough sleep I won’t be able to remember the things I study. I’ll fall apart. Maybe if I stare at the ceiling my eyes will get tired and I will fall asleep again.

This is not working. Maybe if I close my eyes and try to think about nothing and lay really still.

This is not working either. It is ten. I have to get up. This is ridiculous. I am hungry.

I’ll study at Mona’s over pancakes and coffee...

I can’t study here its too loud. I’ll just pretend to study so I look cool. Sitting alone at breakfast on Sunday is not cool. If I look like I am studying then maybe people won’t notice I am alone.

I need to do some Christmas shopping. Tattered Cover is around the corner. I should buy people books for Christmas.

This is a cute journal. My little niece will love it. She will begin writing early. It will help her cope with life and being a teenager. All her struggles and awkwardness will dissolve in the pages of the journal her older, cooler aunt from Colorado bought for her for Christmas. I’ll write the first entry for her. “Use this to write all your thoughts…how much you hate your mom or the boy you think is cute, etc.”

The new Vonnegut book! Perfect. My cousin lives in Cape Cod. Vonnegut lives in Cape Cod. She should read his work. I don’t think she will appreciate it. Maybe she will. Maybe she will read it and be inspired and have a great revelation about how life is more than being a flight attendant and wearing the cool new sweater from Banana Republic. Maybe she already knows this and I should give her more credit. No. Vonnegut needs to help her. But I better read a couple pages to make sure its not too much for her.

“A snarf is someone who smells the bicycle seats of girls.”

Too much! She will read that sentence and never finish the book. Then I will be $24 poorer for no good reason. Vonnegut probably moved to Cape Cod because its such a beautiful place and only about 10% of the population would know who he is.

Oh god. Its almost noon. I am just stalling now. I have to study.

My apartment smells funny.

I am going to put this xaviar girl sticker on my snowboard. Right on the front so I can look at it as I am riding down the mountain. It looks really cools. Those girls are cool. I wish I could be as cool as them. I want to learn how to olllie. If I could ollie I could skate like them. I need to learn how to ride with my front foot on the board. Dave wants to go skating. I want to go skating. Today is funday. I should go skating, but I really should study.

Paul’s on the phone.

No. I can’t go have brunch. I already ate. I have to study. I can’t study at my apartment. Its too messy. And it smells funny. I should take a shower. I smell funny. Okay. I’ll meet you at the Monkey Bean.

I wonder if people could hear everything I thought if they’d tell me to shut up.

I should write a post about this.

how do these things happen to me?

2005-12-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

misadventures of duct tape and luccy

2005-12-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

My fortune cookie last night:

"set high goals"

I've heard this before. On Monday, someone told me "aim high because you're going to miss."

ping-pong balls and tacos

2005-12-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

I burned my dinner. Two blackened waffles are sitting on fire escape.

I was hungry and thought it might be nice to have something to eat. Much to my demise, the combination of hunger and loneliness diminished my attention span.

I got bored…

So I thought I might read a bit while the waffles were in the toaster. I started reading and forgot about the waffles.

Now my apartment is fill with smoke, and my belly remains empty.

This is what I was reading:

Seeking some kind of understanding, though, I find myself seeking out others mangled by bizarre familial machinery, those whose parents are dead, or dying, at least divorced—hoping that these people will know what I know, and thus will not hassle me about the details, about give and take, about my contributions. Toph-wise, if, as we paw each other on the cough in the burgundy living room after Toph has gone to asleep, she wants to stay the night, and does not understand why she cannot, does not understand why Toph must not wake up to see random people sleeping in his brother’s bed, she is too young and unthoughtful and does not appreciate the importance of creating for Toph as simple a childhood as possible, and so she is not seen again. If she does not know how to talk to Toph, if she treats him like a hearing-impaired dog or worse, like a child, she is not seen again and is made fun of with Beth, …If she brings Toph something, for instance a pack of new Ping-Pong balls, the need for which she somehow gleaned, then she is a good person, not a bad one, and she is loved unconditionally. If she comes over for dinner and actually eats our version of tacos, without all the ludicrous shit people usually put in them, she is a saint and is welcome anytime.

This intrigues me. I go back and read it again and again.

If I could have just been there at that time I would have bought the ping-pong balls; I would have eaten the tacos. Things would have been wonderful. He would have understood my Toph-wise life and me his. The rules would have been assumed. (No…I don’t have a crush on David Eggers, I just have a similar hopeless romantic view of unspoken understandings in relationships.) I imagine its easy to love someone or just to be with someone who gets it. That way, time isn’t wasted by talking about things that should be understood. Instead it is used to have pleasurable conversations and heated debates followed by fantastic sex or comfortable silence over a cup of coffee and waffles on Sunday morning.

Home sweet Colorado

2005-11-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

Its nice to be back home. Don't get me wrong, the white sandy beaches in Clearwater are lovely this time of year. I simply prefer snow because if you get it down your pants, it just melts.

The ramblings of responsibility

2005-11-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

flarida...

There’s nothing more lonesome than being misunderstood. There’s nothing more exciting than being all alone. My mind is becoming numb with superficial perfection. Its like they live in a Pottery Barn catalog!

So I deal with the situation by getting on the internet. Hmmm. What is this person up to? Nothing. Well, probably something. Most likely something that is much more intriguing than wasting time seeing what others are up to on the internet. Okay…what about this person. Apparently hanging out with a woman who has larger breasts than me. No problem. I have no time for that nonsense anyhow.

Tomorrow, after the sister-in-law and mother-in-law are done shopping, we are going to go to the beach. That should be fun.

I swear to god the key to life is being content no matter what the circumstances.

Never been to Florida before...

2005-11-23T21:14:00.000-07:00

Its colder here than it is in Denver.

I missed two days of work and a day of school to make it to my brother’s for Thanksgiving.

“Hi brother, its your little sister. We just landed in Tampa.”
“I can’t talk right now. I am on a conference call. Call me back when you’re at baggage claim.”
“Okay. You’re still at work?”
“Can’t talk now.”

“Hi big brother, its your little sister. We just got our bag from baggage claim. Should we wait outside for you? Are you close to the airport?”
“No. Wait inside. I am just leaving work. I’m like 20 minutes from the airport. Don’t worry I’ll be there soon.”
“Okay.”

I ate pizza two nights in a row…mushroom and pineapple. I’m building my stomach up for tomorrow.

My sister-in-law told me she always thought I should be an artist. That made me feel really good. Then about 15 minutes later she called me a terrorist because I have a sticker on my computer of Bush’s head above a pair of crossbones. That made me feel sorry for her.

happy-day-o-thanks.

mmm...Turkish Delight

2005-11-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

all the cool kids are doing it...

2005-11-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

1 – finish school
2 – climb all the 14ers in CO
3 – fall in love
4 – have a baby
5 – own a scooter
6 – be a DJ
7 – learn how to telemark

THINGS I CANNOT DO (very well)

1 – sit still
2 – follow directions
3 – be alone
4 – handle large amounts of alcohol, coffee, or pot
5 – get to work on time
6 – understand philosophy
7 – tell jokes
8 - find a bra that fits

THINGS THAT ATTRACT ME TO THE OPPOSITE SEX

1 – extreme sports
2 – good taste in music
3 – the ability to dance
4 – brainiacs
5 – cheesy pick-up lines
6 – an unforgettable smile
7 – honesty

THINGS I SAY MOST OFTEN

1 – yes!
2 – hey dude.
3 – FANtastic!
4 – never-mind
5 – wanna go ride bikes???
6 – how do you manage your bladder

celeberty crushes

1 – Steven Hawking
2 – Jake Gyllenhaal
3 – Lexxy Saffron
4 – Scott Meyer
6 – Willy Warren
7 - Uma Thurman

I'm just a girl.

2005-11-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

it is not productive to make generalizations about the sexes

Sunday Funday (part three)

2005-11-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

Sunday consisted of baking a pie and listening to records at my big brother's house. Later in the evening I headed for the hills. Early this morning I was snowboarding in super snoochy cherry fresh pow pow nar nar. It was unbelievably delicious conditions for November.

Now I am stuck in Frisco. I-70 is closed.
I was supposed to go to school tonight.
I am supposed to be to work at 7AM tomorrow morning.

All I can do to pass the time is sit still and contemplate the outcome of my decisions.

If I had someone to love, I imagine life would become beautiful and comfortable, but curiously complicated. Since I am not in love, life is adventurous and bold, but dangerously careless. I don't know which is better, but life is not fun when the circumstances are forced.

Another term for intuition is critical thinking.

2005-11-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

I’d like to be a mathematician. Re-learning math might come in handy just in case I have a kid one day and he or she needs help with long division. Or maybe I should re-take physics and concentrate more on understanding the basic principles and less on getting and “A” on my homework. As you can tell, I’m feeling a bit inadequate in the intelligence department… (and in the happy/funny department, and in the love department). I mean, Christ, even Forrest Gump is smarter than me. As least he knows what love is. I’ve got some pretty strong motivation to discontinue the practice of drinking heavily. My decision making skills are off and my selfishness is stupidity.

Somewhere in Mexico, there’s a poor fisherman that’s got it figured out. Retired before he even started, he’s never been to school or had to work a day in his life. Just sitting in a boat on a lake all day without a care in the world, he’s content.

I know what you’re thinking…

”See that girl over there, the young one who thinks she knows everything. Boy does she have egg on her face!”

This is my excuse: I’m beginning to have a fear of knives because I’ve been cut too many times. All these expectations, these responsibility, they’re messing with my head. Just because I’m cute doesn’t mean I don’t look like an ugly duckling. Just because I’m clever doesn’t mean I have a crystal ball that helps me make all the right choices. Just because I am health conscious doesn’t mean I always shop at Whole Foods.

When I start to think that any part of me is superior to any part of someone else, then the world becomes my whore and me its pimp. But don’t give up on me just yet. I am trying to hold out for the beautiful metaphors, but if I leave the party early without saying “good bye”, I promise I’ll make it up to you by bringing back a rock star.

the most beautiful metaphors

2005-11-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'll be the grapes fermented,
bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
like a perfect gentlemen

I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
in an open tab when your judgement's on the brink

I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...

I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
you won't have to strain to look into my eyes

I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zippedstraight to the throat
with the collar up so you won't catch a cold

WARNING:

2005-11-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

Be afraid.

There is currently a global epdemic of bird flu.

I am safe.

I received a phone messege early this morning (4:40AM). And I am confident that I'll be safe.

Hello, this is _________. Strangely enough, you know how I always talk about the Doom’s Day virus and what not? Well, my father, being the man he is, has bought me a plane…this guy has his jet in Denver, and I am going to fly back home, then go up to our place up in Michigan with all our property and what not. And I was wondering if you’d like to accompany me to that place right now because of what’s actually really going on right now. Maybe you didn’t know about it because my father is the man who he is. Just give me a call because I would love for you to be the person who came with me on this thing. Anyway, call me if you think this is something realistically…well anyways, just call me. Good night.

Those of you who do not have a place to hide from the virus, I wish you luck.

Sunday Funday (part 2)

2005-10-31T22:07:00.000-07:00

Brushing off the red sand from my shoes this morning, I had a great hypothesis about life. It doesn’t stop. It just keeps on going. Our destiny: watch it pass by or hold on and enjoy the ride. I always say, “I’ll get to this or that when my life slows down,” but does that ever really happen? Even more, do I want it to happen?

We left for Moab early Friday morning to go the Moab Halloween Bike Fest. Willy (featured in the previous post), has a satellite radio, which he uses only for playing rap and country. I told him how much I hated both of those types of “music.” He said that when I drove I could pick the channel, so on my section of the road it was pure disco. I hate disco. So does Willy. But I put up with it just to spite him. HA!

Friday night was a huge mountain bike jump contest, which consisted of testosterone and red bull propelling these guys off a 20 foot dirt jump. Willy did a 360. It was extreme…no radical…no totally radical to the extreme.

Saturday my undeserving ass pedaled a fancy-pants mountain bike up the side of a rock to watch more testosterone/red bull driven madness of extreme cliff jumping.

Apparently Willy is known in the sport as “Swilly Willy the Drunken Master.” The water bottle on his bike contained vodka and pineapple juice. I forgot my costume for the Halloween party that night, so I had to come up with a quick fix. I used a bit of black eye makeup on my left eye to make it look like I had a shiner. Then gathered a wife beater and an empty bottle of Jim Beam. For the final touch, I put Willy’s bike helmet under the wife beater to make me look like I was pregnant. Wa-La!!! I was transformed into “the Drunken Master’s girlfriend.” I thought it was pretty funny and slightly ironic because I was the DD.

And even more ironic was how I watched guys go off dirt jumps and cliffs all weekend and not a one of them got hurt. But at the party, some idiot dressed up as an 80’s butt rocker fell off the hand railing and dislocated his knee. It was entertaining to watch him squirm around in his red fish net tights with his knee cap protruding through his strategically ripped stone washed jeans.

I got back today with just enough time to finish a paper that was due and then cram for a mid term. As I was sitting in the library at school, one my professors asked, “How was your weekend.”

“Oh! It was fantastic. I went to Moab and didn’t want to come home!”

“Yes,” he said with a gentle nod, ”but you only appreciate those fun times when you also have to work hard and go to school. Everything must be in balance.”

Dammit. There goes that silly hypothesis of mine.

I'm goin' to Moab!

2005-10-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

Never been that attracted to Hunter S. Thompson...

2005-10-26T16:06:00.000-07:00

or Napoleon Dynatmite for that matter.
Crazy dreams kept me up last night.

I have a hard time remembering my dreams, so I kept thinking, "I should write this down! This is some weird stuff!"

But I was too sleepy to get up out of bed to get a pen and paper.

"I'll remember it. How can I forget something this strange?"

Well... I forgot. All that I can recall is a vague remnant of witty commercial about McDonanld salads.

All of this has something to do with watching punk rock girls take off their "clothes." I'm sure they put a spell on me. I'm just sure of it!

Sunday Funday (part 1)

2005-10-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

Alternate activities for a Sunday (besides going to church):
1 - learning how to throw a boomerang
2 - eating sweet potato waffles and drinking coffee
3 - hitting a bucket of golf balls at the driving range
4 - ice skating
5 - carving a pumpkin for Halloween

a message that seems to convey no meaning

2005-10-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

Its as simple as paying attention. The only problem is that I ran out of money.
Although it once was entertaining, pointing out the obvious has become a tactless method of delivering my ideas.
Maybe if I was a bacteria I would be able to recognize the nuances of philosophy in a matter of minutes. Alas, my life is expected to last about eigthy years. So I've only just begun. But don't give up on me. Not quite yet.

Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies

2005-10-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

Madeline, my little cousin, is all in a tizzy. Last week in Catechism she learned about purgatory.

DUM DUM DUM

Now she's convinced she's not going to heaven. I don't know what she's all upset about. I was pretty happy the day I learned I wasn't going to heaven.

No more feeling guilty about the crazy shit I do.

No more thinking I was better than everyone who wasn't going to heaven.

And besides, sleeping in, eating pancakes and sipping coffee is so much better for my "soul" than wearing panty hoes and listening to some self rigtheous preacher tell me what to believe. Because contrarty to his rhetoric, my life does NOT begin when this one ends.

Heaven is over rated. And, according to Madeline's teacher, cats don't go to heaven either because they don't have a soul.

No animal? Just people?

Despite the lack of a disco ball,

2005-10-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

the party was fantastic.

Three 30 packs of PBR were gone within 20 minutes, and there was lots of rock star romance drama (just ask Anne.)

And for me, I managed to only get my heart nicked, not broken.

Start wearing purple!!!

2005-10-12T18:18:00.000-07:00

Gogol = Russian Author. Bordello = Italian for whore house
Gogol + Bordello = gypsy punk from NYC!

Gogol Bordello is playing this sat. at the Blue Bird. After the show, come dance the night away with Eugene, Dimon, and me.

When: after the show...and will last 'til the wee hours of the mornin'.
Where: Rhinoceropolis

Be there or be L7!

I was 47 mintues late for work

2005-10-11T15:52:00.001-07:00

Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work. But, I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, Gogol Bordello after party to arrange, MY wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped.

SNOW

2005-10-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

Don't worry. I already know I'm crazy.

2005-10-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

Recently I went to a movie with a Russian.

I am of the opinion that starting a sentence with “I am of the opinion” is quite unnecessary. Nonetheless, I have an opinion I’d like to express. Here is the math:

Let x stand for the preview of the movie (seen during Proof) and y represent the night Eugene spun records at Larimer Lounge, so then x + y = z

To come to x, consider a1 + b1 = x1 where a1 is working for the German, and b1 is the TV at the German’s house where I first saw the preview for Proof. Then consider a2 + b2 = x2 when a2 is my passion for Jake Gyllenhaal (measured in beats/minute) and b2 is my tendency for nerdy activities such as movies about math (see the first law of entropy). Once these are established, then it is clear that x1+ x2 = x.

To come to y, consider c1 + d1 = y1, where c1 is equal to the number of time I have seen Gogol Bordello, and d1 is a measurement of how much I like to dance (also measured in beats/minute). Then consider c2 + d2 = y2, where c2 is the boy (unknown ethnic background) with the video camera and d2 is the boy (the Russian!) who recorded sound. Once these factors are established it is clear that y1 + y2 = y.

It is now seen that x + y = z, where z represents going to a movie with a Russian.

It didn’t make any sense a few days ago because of one extremely complicated factor:

With mustache

Without mustache

So there you have it.

PS – Gogol Bordello is playing at the Bluebird on the 15th. Stay tuned for the possibilities of an afterparty.

the little one is probably not going? His loss!

with such precision (15 decimal points!)

2005-10-04T11:48:00.000-07:00

Although its not quite my style, it won't kill me to write a bit on current affairs. Besides, I heard on NPR this morning that all the cool kids are doing it.

My thoughts on the issue: Bush is praising this woman for being stubborn.

Politics smolitics! On to more important things.
And in other news...

Some CCU students were pulled over on a DUI charge back in September. But the plot thickens!!! The Lakewood police officer is being investigated on charges of insult/assault (not sure which one) because he called the kids "holy rollers." The only dirt I could find about this matter was in the Denverpost.com. Unfortunately they want me to pay them $2.95 for the full story. Cheap bastards!!!!! Kudos to those who can find out any information related to this matter.

Will you be my muse? Please?

2005-09-28T21:13:00.000-07:00

Conversations constantly run through my head; it’s a continuous commentary consisting mostly of song lyrics I didn’t write. And some ideas of songs I’d like to write. There’s one about how I have a crush on the carnie at Cedar Point and our secret roller coaster love affair. I’d like to write a song about how there’s a song about pretty much everything. But I’m stuck, out of love, out of luck. Stuck in between being uptight and carelessly dealing with loneliness.

I do this thing where I listen to the same songs over and over. I don’t brag about having 40 gigs of music. Oh no. My computer proudly holds a humble 6 gigs. Nonetheless I know those 6 gis like the back of my hand.

Imagine the effect of listening to the same songs over and over. Subliminal.

Case in point.

A life changing combination (Spring of 2003):

1) Jimmy Eat World – Self Titled album formally known as Bleed American
2) The Used (also self titled)
3) Smashing Pumpkins – Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness (the blue disc only)

In the words of John Cusack, “What came first? The music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns and watching violent videos. We're scared that some sort of culture of violence is taking them over...But nobody worries about kids listening to thousands -- literally thousands -- of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?”

there is a season...turn...turn...turn (part II)

2005-09-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

Daily haiku

My foot in my mouth
Badly chosen sarcasm
Humor isn’t fair

There is a season...turn...turn...turn

2005-09-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

Ahhh. yes. The change of seasons is upon us. And everyone has began to bitch and complain about having runny noses and sore throats. But have no fear! Here are some simple tips to help you over come your symptoms.

For a runny nose with clear mucous and a headahce or bodyaches, make some tea out of ginger and cinnamon and drink it all day.

≈

For a sore throat and headache, make some tea out of mint!

For a cough or just an overall boost for your lungs, eat a pear or drink some pear juice, or better yet, make some stewed pears with honey.

If none of this helps, try some cold snap. This stuff works wonders. You can usually get it at any local hippie mart. (ie- wild oats, whole foods, etc.)

if anyone cares...

2005-09-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

joel brown is still alive.

I'm not a genius, and niether are you!

2005-09-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

Genius is a complement other people give to you. To call yourself a genius simply means you are not smart enough to recognize what it means to be a genius and, therefore, you are not one yourself. The same goes with being humble.

I am reading a book called a heartbreaking work of a staggering genius. Amazing…the book really is amazing. Unfortunately I’m about three fourths of the way through and loosing interest. It started with a fantastic story of struggle and misfortune. Slowly it has digressed into a story about MTV’s real world. Don’t ruin the end for me if you’ve read the book. I hope its fantastic. I hope something really romantic comes of this story of courage. I keep reading because I have faith that something must happen, something that makes it worth reading. Because when people are faced with non-self-imposed misfortunes, they have two choices. One is to become the victim. Everything in their lives soon turns to tragedy and even though they’ve been through some sort of great struggle, they remain weak and feed on the sympothy of others. Then there are those who experience undesirable circumstances and come out on top. They don’t beg for handouts or tears. They shine through and become stronger people for the mountain they’ve had to climb, and they don’t even want recognition for this accomplishment. Those are the geniuses.

One down fifty three (or so) to go!

2005-09-06T19:51:00.000-07:00

Memorial day...er...Labor day I decided to climb Mount Democrat, my first 14er.

Back in the 80's, my dad climbed all 54 of them. He finished the last one in '87.

I want to follow in his footsteps...

thanks doug and megan!!!

the definition of love

2005-09-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

Mrs. and Mr. Remming-McGrane

Enough of that sappy crap!

2005-09-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

On to more important things…

My mom called about two weeks ago and said she’d be in town today. So I spent my lunch break with the Herrera’s. My mom didn’t bring her hat, but she was wearing a pair of those oversized sunglasses. Not the stylish type that Kate Hudson wears, but the type that old people in nursing home’s wear to fit over their regular glasses. Geno was wearing is usual getup: a fisherman hat, a tank top, cotton shorts that were too small, and flip flops. I told them I had lunch at 12:30PM. They showed up at 11:30AM.

“Why are you in Denver?”
“To see you.”
“You drove all the way to Denver [a four hour drive] just to see me for 45 minutes?”
“Well, no. We had to go up to Springs to pick up a thing for the new washer and dryer.”
“What kind of thing?”
“Well, the washer and dryer are the stackable type, and we had to get a thing that goes between them.”
“They don’t sell those things in Alamosa?”
“No. We had to special order it. It was suppose to be here on June, 30th, but it didn’t get in until last week. The lady said we had to come pick it up right away. And I told her it suppose to be here the end of June. And she said they usually don’t hold things for people. And I told her that we had to make a special trip up to the Springs to get it, so they had better hold it!”
“I see.”

They brought me my brother’s old Simms snowboard from 1990. My mom thinks I’m going to ride it. I think I’m going to hang it on my wall. While I was saying goodbye to my mom, Geno was trying to fold the thing you put in the windshield to keep the car from getting too hot. It took about 15 minutes, which meant I was 15 minutes late getting back from lunch. As they were driving away, Geno took off his tank top.

Lunch with the Herrera’s

Almost September (part II)

2005-08-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

You wanted to take me to Abercrombie and Finch to buy a dress like the one Margo Tanenbaum always wore. But you're not Richie or Eli. You're Royal. And I'm not any of the Tanenbaums. Well, maybe I am a bit like Margo, so secrative.

You're not a bastard. You're just a son of a bitch. But I can't tell you that to youre face because you'll lie in bed for a week longing for death. What a waste. If I had half of what you were given...

I'll fall asleep to songs about how no body loves me. Things will turn out alright because no matter how fucked up this world is, there's always a smidge of goodness. And that's all it takes.

Almost September

2005-08-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the strangest dream. I was in Sandusky, Ohio at Cedar Point with my friends. All the people were fat, and they were all eating green cotton candy. Off in the distance, I saw the world’s most dangerous roller coaster, and I wanted to ride it. My friends kept saying, “Luccy, you’re crazy! That roller coaster is too wild, too high, too dangerous. What if you get hurt?”
“I don’t care. I want to ride it.”
I stared at the coaster for what seemed like hours just watching the people go from 0 to 120 mph in only 3 seconds, being shot straight up in the air to 420 feet high and then dropping back down again. When the ride came to a stop, the people’s faces all had this stupid, surprised expression like they had just been kissed for the first time.

The coaster was calling my name. Finally I got up enough courage, I ditched the girls and got in line to take a ride. Because I was dreaming, I got on the ride without having to wait. As I sat in the seat I was so excited and nervous. I’d ridden roller coasters before, but none quite as intense as this one. I held on to my seat bar and closed my eyes to enjoy the ride.

It was everything I had hoped for and more. A take off faster than imaginable, straight up and then back down again as if gravity had been defined all over again. It only lasted for twenty seconds. I got off the ride and began to cry. It was so satisfying, but somehow I felt so empty. It all happened so fast.

My friends met me at the end of the ramp. They saw that I was crying and I was embarrassed. I knew what they were thinking, but I let them see me cry anyway.
“What happened?” they asked.
“It was so intense. It took off so fast. It soared to great heights and then back again.” I said through my tears, “and then it dropped my off.”
“Why are you crying?”
“Because now I’m all alone. Its over.”
“But you still have us.”
“But I want to ride the roller coaster again.”
“But it won’t appreciate you like we do. It will just leave to sad again. You can’t go back. Its way too dangerous for you. You just stay here with us.”
“But if I could ride it just one more time…”
“No. Just trust us. Its too dangerous.”
“But people ride that thing all day. Up and down and what not. And they all come out okay.”
“Some of them don’t. Some of them get sick and throw up and it smells like parmesan cheese. One kid died on a roller coaster a Disneyland.”
“But I won’t let that happen to me.”
“Please, we’re begging you. Just stay here with us. There are plenty more roller coasters in the park to ride. Most of them are much less intense. You’ll find another that will be even better.”
“You guys go ahead. I need sometime to think about this.”
“Okay. We’ll catch up with you later.”

I stood by roller coaster and watched all the people going up and down as fast a lightning. All afternoon, I just stood there. I couldn’t take my mind off of it. Every once in a while my friends would check in with me. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m fine. I just can’t keep my mind off this fucking roller coaster.”
“Just give it some time.”

But I couldn’t wait. I got back in line for another ride. This time I had to wait. Just as I was reaching the podium to get on board again, I saw my friends. They were in the operating booth talking to the roller coaster operator. I knew what they were doing. They were telling him not to let me on the ride. I was too far away. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t understand. They only saw the bad, I guess. But they should have known that nothing is only bad. Everything is bad and good at the same time.

Then I woke up to the sound of Adam’s alarm clock. I rolled over and started laughing. “What’s so funny?” he asked in a waking stupor.
”I just had the funniest dream.”
“What was it about?”
“A bunch of fat people eating green cotton candy.”
He started laughing with me.
“…kill me now while I’m happy.” I said to him.
“If this isn’t good, then what is?” He replied.

We like to talk with Vonnegut quotes.

I don't love anyone

2005-08-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

I don’t love anyone
You’re not listening
You’re playing with something
You’re playing with yourself

I don’t love anyone
You’re not listening even now
You’re playing with someone
You’re playing with someone else

And if there’s one thing that I learned when I was a child
It’s to take a hiding

I don’t love anything
Not even christmas
Especially not that
I don’t love anything

No, I don’t love anyone
Maybe my sister
Maybe my baby brother too, yeah
I don’t love anyone

But if there’s one thing that I learned when I was still a child
It’s to take a hiding
Yeah if there’s one thing that I learned when I was still at school
It’s to be alone

Out in the street today
The kids are playing, having fun
I pass them by I’m not a kid, no
I don’t love anyone

I met a man today
He told me something pretty strange
There’s always somebody saying something
He said, the world is as soft as lace.

But I don’t love anyone

-B&S
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This was my horoscope from the onion:

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Romance will bloom all around you this week, leaving you alone and desolate in the eye of a veritable romance hurricane.

I heart roller coasters

2005-08-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

especially when they have such features as:

0 to 120 in four seconds

420 feet in the air

90 degree vertical drop

(this is how I role)

the dragster at Cedar Point

"With every broken heart we become more adverntourous"

2005-08-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

Hi. My name is varuca salt. I’m extremely selfish. My decisions rarely consider consequences. I have control issues. In fact, I’ve got a lot of unresolved issues. I don’t handle controversy very well either. My arm pits stink, and so does my shit. I’m pretty self conscious, so I always think everything is my fault. I am divorced. I might accidentally run into my x-husband someday, and I probably won’t handle the situation with rational behavior. I try and keep myself freshly shaven, but sometimes I get stubble. And while we’re on that subject, I’m sexually frustrated. Unfortunately, I am also a morning person. Abnormally large dogs, assault weapons, and ambulances scare me. But then again I’m an intense person, so I am liable to over react in situations quite often…making mice into elephants. I’m also sensitive to chemicals, so I have a tendency to make a fool of myself when I get drunk. I don't know...its just what I've heard.

But, on a positive note, the only thing I really lie about is how often I cry. And I don’t want to be a bitter buffalo; I’m trying to just be a regular one.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Bob Schneider,

My sincere appologies to you, sir. I would have loved to come back to your lodge and party with you and your friends, but instead I decided to go home with the loud obnoxious guy that everyone wanted to punch. If I had a nickel every time I've made a bad choice I’d have about 85 cents.

Sincerely,

Luccy